YOU are kinky – you have unusual tastes because you are unusual, just like the rest of us. We fit into so many subgroups and subcategories these days – identity is fluid and self-defined now and so too can your sexual being. So first and foremost: good kink is very personal. Good kink is also consensual – playing well with others means getting their permission beforehand and throughout. Finally, kink is studied – often through direct learning. I hope Slow Knight can be one of many resources for your unique self-expression.
It may help to start with what kink is NOT. Vanilla is a term often used for non-kinky, “normal” sex. But even when one tries to imagine “normal” sex, beyond the physical movements of sexual intercourse or play, the paradigm breaks down. Sex is a physical experience sure, but it is also too often a mental and emotional experience. Kink is often about the unusual headspaces you find yourself in during sex – what you imagine, what you fantasize about, and, yes, sometimes what you are ashamed of wanting.
Slow Knight is about breaking free from the shame game – because embracing our kinks has made us understand ourselves better and allowed us to process sometimes awkward and uncomfortable sexuality.
Good kink is personal
EVERYONE experiences sex differently – so what is “normal” sex then? Claire Litton-Cohn asks a good question: “What makes you "kinky" rather than just ‘open’ or ‘adventurous’?” and finds that “like many things in life and sex, kink is a spectrum.” Lola Jean, a sex educator and mental health professional, said it is important to tailor each experience to individual preferences and not assume that there is any one-size-fits-all approach to BDSM. “It’s almost like a choose-your-own-adventure,” she said.
So cool, good kink is mine to make it. What else?
Consent is crucial for everyone involved in a kink scene, and practitioners recommend extensive conversations, negotiated checklists and safe words as tools. Kink aficionados and professionals often remind denizens of the necessity of sobriety during kinky sex – not only can alcohol and other drugs blur consent, they can stop you from feeling when your boundaries (physical, emotional, and mental) are being exceeded.
Good kink is often studied through direct learning
Kink also has a community aspect – some play can get rough, leave marks, or even get life threatening. As in all things, its best to learn from skilled hands. Fetlife.com is a great place to find local events and meetups for kinksters (called munches). But don’t feel forced to go to these functions; just because you don’t go to community events, you are no less a legitimate pervert. But remember, if you don't seek, you won't find the community you're looking for. There’s plenty of books about kinky sex – I’ve listed a few that I or others I trust recommend. And of course, the Internet is a good resource – but as always, not everything written is correct - and not everything that is correct is written.